You put such a big box in the garbage bag. I told you the garbage won’t fit, it’s overflowing. Why didn’t you put the box outside first to hold some garbage? Now you’re wasting new garbage bags!

When I heard him say this, I immediately felt angry. The biggest thing I felt was being accused of not being good enough.

I angrily replied, “I’ll buy you hundreds of garbage bags. How about that?”

He said, “This isn’t about the garbage bag, it’s about using it reasonably. Clearly, we could fit more and it wouldn’t be so troublesome.”

When he said this, I lost it and shouted, “Enough, I’ll order you hundreds of bags right away. Will that be enough for you? What do you want?”

At this point, both of us were at our breaking points.

He went from speaking normally at the start to shouting.

I withdrew.

I found that I couldn’t face his emotions, so I chose to wait a while.

Seeing me like this made him even more upset. He went crazy and thought I was being unreasonable. He felt that I was being disrespectful by ignoring him.

He couldn’t stand being disrespected. Faced with this situation, he came over to me and shouted, “Can’t you hear me? Answer me! I’m talking to you about something, and this is how you react.”

I said, “I heard you, but I don’t want to respond. I want to be alone for a while, don’t disturb me.”

We remained at a standstill for over an hour.

He took the initiative to say, “Let’s put this aside for now. Let’s go out for dinner first. I want to eat sour and spicy fish. I’ve found a restaurant, let’s go together.”

Clearly, he was giving me a way out.

Normally, I wouldn’t have agreed, and our relationship would have remained tense for a long time, leading to constant bickering.

But I realized my thoughts and agreed. He took me out.

After dinner, I told him, “I was really scared when you spoke to me just now. The way you spoke made me feel like you were accusing me and made me feel really bad.”

He said, “I didn’t mean to accuse you. I was focused on the issue, not you.”

I said, “Even though you’re focused on the issue, it feels like you’re accusing me and don’t love me. You’re making the issue more important than me.”

This is a problem that arguing can reveal.

One person is very concerned about finding and solving problems, while the other person is concerned about whether they care.

Everyone speaks from their own position, without considering the other’s feelings.

The way of expression creates a lot of misunderstanding and negative experiences.

We’re used to saying, “Why did you do this, why did you…”

In the book “Nonviolent Communication,” it says we can use this formula: describe the event + express self-feelings + needs + ask for the other’s thoughts.

For example, in the earlier event, if he had said, “Honey, I threw out the garbage and found a big box in there. I didn’t know and threw it in, but found it wouldn’t fit and it was full. I feel like it’s a waste of bags. Can we use the big box next time, fill it with garbage, and throw it out together, without putting it in the garbage bag? What do you think?”

If I had heard this, I would have said, “Sure.”

Instead, when faced with his accusation, I immediately resisted. I could have said, “Honey, you want me to make use of the box, right? But the way you said it made me feel like you were accusing me. Can you express it differently? For example… (I won’t write out the rest). I’d be very willing to accept that.”

This way, both of us would be happy.

Quarreling isn’t scary. What’s scary is that we always quarrel over the same thing and fall into a pattern of thinking. When something happens, his first reaction is to accuse, and mine is to withdraw. What’s even scarier is that one of us doesn’t realize they’re accusing, and the other doesn’t think they’re withdrawing.

Recently, “maintaining mindfulness” is a very popular term, and I think it’s great.

This can be applied to how two people get along.

In my opinion, a relationship needs to be adjusted, and quarreling is very normal. However, constantly quarreling over the same thing means we’ve clearly fallen into a pattern of thinking. Without maintaining mindfulness, which is being aware of your thoughts, speech, and actions, not only will you not get along well with this person, but it will be the same with others. Unless you start maintaining mindfulness, and being aware of when you have a thought but haven’t said it, and avoiding slipping into familiar thinking.

It’s okay if you say it out of habit. We’ll change slowly, bit by bit.

Recognizing the results of what you say can be great. You can make a choice right away and not follow the previous pattern, not be swayed by emotions, and make a new choice.

Many people think that quarreling is bad and that a relationship isn’t good if you quarrel. Especially for those with an avoidant attachment style, they’re more afraid of quarreling, and I’m that type of person.

Whenever I quarrel, I feel like the relationship can’t work and that there’s no need to be together.

Fortunately, he’s more rational and has pulled me back time and time again.

I’ve changed myself time and time again in quarrels or adjustments, avoiding being swayed by habit.

As the saying goes, changing pools won’t help if you can’t swim.

Yes, no matter where you swim, you must know how to do it.

Are you swimming unconsciously, following habit, or maintaining mindfulness, being aware of your thoughts, speech, and behavior at all times?

It’s not about being with someone forever. You always have a choice, but ask yourself about the reasons behind the choices you make.

Remember, you always have a choice. It’s just a matter of whether you want to or not.

People who often say they can’t do anything see themselves as victims of life, not creators.

Each of us has free will and the freedom to choose.

Out of spite, not wanting to say the truth doesn’t hurt anyone else, but yourself.

I understand these truths.

But when something happens, they’re thrown out the window.

This is the power of our habitual thinking, and this is why change is so difficult.

It’s okay, take it one step at a time.

Allow yourself to be slow, and it’s great to see the real reasons behind these things.

Embrace yourself. The habit of avoiding, the fear of being accused, which used to protect me, I don’t need them anymore.

Now, I can reclaim my power, love myself, bravely face the not so good parts of myself, and no longer fear being accused, being wrongly accused, or quarreling.

Be gentle with yourself, so you can be gentle with others.

Let’s continue practicing mindful living!

Be the creator of your life!