1. Key principles of setting rules:

Use anger where it’s necessary.

For some girls, they easily get angry in a relationship, but it doesn’t lead to any change. From then on, the man is immune to your anger, and it doesn’t pose a threat.

In contrast, another girl doesn’t get angry easily, but when the man does something, she completely changes her demeanor. By leveraging emotions, she earnestly talks to the man about the issue. Do you think the man will take this point seriously?

When using anger and setting rules, it should be used effectively, not by repeatedly raising the bar without any real influence.

So, distinguish the “primary and secondary conflicts” in a relationship. Eliminate the issues that can be solved through methods (such as forgetting to say goodnight, lack of romance, delayed responses to messages). In long-term relationships, there are many things more important than these details. Save the bottom line for the important issues that absolutely cannot be violated (emotional abuse, boundary issues with the opposite sex, lack of effort, verbal oppression and disrespect). These are the things that need a firm attitude, even if it leads to major arguments.

Instead of getting angry over minor issues, and then forgiving the man for everything in major issues, it’s better to establish rules that are essential and non-negotiable. The more cards you have, the less effective they become.

2. Two misconceptions about setting rules:

When setting rules, there are two key points to note:

First, there’s a principle in setting rules—it should be an expression of your “relationship standard,” not just a description of very fine behaviors (such as rigidly expecting immediate replies to messages, saying good morning and good night every day). Too many and too detailed rules can make the other person feel suffocated and might even scare off some men at the beginning of a relationship.

Secondly, the most important thing about setting rules is: it shouldn’t be an order from a boss to an employee, forcefully handing over a bunch of rules to the other person. Instead, it should be conveyed in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere. For example:

When spending time together, if the man shows a bit of thoughtfulness, you can say, “Your thoughtfulness really impresses me—I find boys with this kind of character very charming.”

You can also use other people’s relationship examples: “My best friend and her boyfriend often argue, and her boyfriend often practices emotional abuse by not speaking. I really dislike this kind of man. I hope that we can actively solve problems together in the future. I really like this kind of relationship.”

For instance, in the initial stages of a relationship, the man may intentionally or unintentionally report certain things to you. In such a relaxed setting, you can use a phrase from a previous conversation: “Oh, I feel secure!” The man will understand that this is what you seek, and after that, he’ll develop the habit of reporting. This is better than saying, “I don’t feel secure. If you’re in a relationship with me, you must make me feel secure,” which is dominant and not specific.

In essence, setting rules should be subtly conveyed in a relaxed atmosphere, providing a reference for how the other person should behave with you. Let them know what you like, the positive feedback they’ll receive when they do it, and the consequences of crossing your boundaries.

3. The best timing for setting rules:

The beginning of a relationship is the best time for sweet “rule-setting.”

During this phase, what you like and dislike in a man’s actions can be subtly implanted in his mind.

Imagine, after two years of dating, you suddenly tell your boyfriend, “I like flowers. You have to send me flowers every month.” He will probably find it odd and out of the blue.

However, if a man tries to woo you, and you say, “I really like flowers. Whenever I see flowers, I feel inexplicably good and happy,” he might be able to send you flowers every day.

Even if they can’t send flowers every day, they’ll at least remember that you like flowers. Similarly, you dislike a man resorting to emotional abuse:

While watching TV together, when you see a TV show where the main characters cold-shoulder each other due to a misunderstanding, you can tell your boyfriend, “I can’t stand the silent treatment. I feel that a man who actively solves problems is the most attractive! Ignoring me when we argue will make me very disappointed and angry.”

So, when a relationship is in its early stages, it’s a good time to “set rules” and subtly implant them in his mind.

4. The focus of setting rules:

The focus should be on conveying rules, not baring yourself.

When faced with conflict, many girls’ reflex is to write a long essay, describing how hurt and upset they are, and subconsciously defining themselves as the “victim.” Then they repeatedly use emotional pleas to show their own vulnerability. However, this doesn’t show the bottom line or ensure that the man understands your real requests. Instead, it reveals your vulnerability and only serves to vent your emotions.

Constantly showing your vulnerability can make you emotionally manipulated. Not only does it not solve the problem, but it also gives the other person a psychological advantage, and may even lead to bargaining over your pain points and bottom line.

So, setting rules correctly is about conveying rules—“what makes me happy, what I can’t accept, and how you should act in the future.”

5. The timeliness of setting rules:

Rules aren’t established in one go, but are developed through your demeanor in everyday matters and in handling minor conflicts, one at a time. You create a behavioral model, establish your bottom line standards, and don’t wait until something big happens to express your boundaries. That would be useless.

So, every time you feel uncomfortable, and feel disrespected, throw out your framework. Continuing to endure and compromise will only make the other person neglect your feelings. Over time, unless you leave, no matter how firm you are verbally,