“I’ve been with my boyfriend for less than a month, but I’ve become extremely sensitive. I feel like after he pursued me, he didn’t like me as much. Every time I ask him, he just tells me not to overthink. But I don’t believe what he says. I’m scared and want to control him, to know everything about his actions. Although I know this isn’t good, I can’t help it. Occasionally, I also reflect on my behavior. I used to be fine on my own, why am I like this now? I don’t know what to do.”

Why are you like this?

It’s because you lack a sense of security.

So, what is a sense of security?

A sense of security is an emotional attribute that generally only manifests in relationships, and it’s not related to anything you possess, only to your childhood experiences.

For example, parents frequently not being at home, arguing, or divorcing.

These things can make you feel anxious, like you could be abandoned at any time. And once a person grows up in this kind of environment, they’ll lack a sense of security.

What’s frightening is that once this lack of security is established, it won’t disappear even as the person grows up.

You might be wondering why you get along well with strangers or other people, but with a romantic partner, family, or close friends, you become sensitive and anxious. The reason you’re like this is ultimately because you’re afraid the person will betray or abandon you.

Especially when you’re with a romantic partner, you become very dependent, but you also have a strong desire to control, wanting to understand and control everything about the other person.

When you want to control the other person and prevent them from leaving, you also want to prove the other person really loves you through your actions.

But behind your actions, you want to know what you can do that will make the other person angry and want to leave, and if the other person does leave, if they don’t actively seek reconciliation, you’ll seek to reconcile.

Even if the other person doesn’t want to reconcile, you still want to control and possess the other person, feeling they can’t date, or be good to, other people, or else it would be unfair to your efforts.

Your relationship will be worn away by separations and reunions, with a lot of time wasted in endless quarrels, and the final result, you can well imagine.

So, how can a woman improve her sense of security in a relationship?

1. Care About the Process, Don’t Focus Too Much on the Result.

There’s a famous psychological effect called the “Wallenda Effect.” Wallenda was a famous American high-wire performer who tragically fell to his death during a major performance. His wife said afterward, “I knew this time had to go wrong because before every performance, he kept saying, ‘This time is so important, I can’t fail,’ but before every successful performance, he only thought about the act itself, not about what might happen. Psychologists named this mindset, which constantly frets over achieving a goal, the ‘Wallenda mindset.’

Are you like this as well due to your lack of security?

Do you always pay attention to whether the other person loves you? How much they love you? Whether they’ll love you forever and never leave you? But you ignore the experience of love itself.

What does this romance really bring you? Growth? It seems not; happiness? It seems not.

It only brings anxiety, agitation, and anger.

Girl, on the train of life, some people are destined to accompany you for only a part of the journey. Don’t rush, there will always be someone willing to accompany you for a lifetime.

So, since fate has brought you together, enjoy the feeling of being with the other person, without worrying about loss.

2. Learn to Express Your Needs Correctly.

Women lacking a sense of security often like to make the men revolve around them through various actions, to prove that the man really loves them. They might even resort to extreme expressions, like lashing out at the slightest provocation.

But, girl, these ways of handling things without emotional intelligence will only increase discomfort in your relationship and push away the person who used to cherish you.

Don’t be nervous. Let me tell you what to do.

You want the other person to care about you and love you more, right?

So, instead of making the other person revolve around you, why not use your gender advantage and say in a coquettish way, “Darling, when I’m in a bad mood, you have to hug me, and I’ll immediately feel better. I lack a sense of security, so that’s why I act this way. Of course, I’ll try to control my emotions and reflect on my behavior. I don’t want to hurt my baby.” When he realizes that your lack of security doesn’t come from wanting to torment him, but from your love and need for him.

This way, he will take the initiative to comfort you, helping you break free from restlessness and agitation.

Doesn’t this achieve the same result without hurting the relationship?

3. Trust and Tolerance are the Foundations of Long-lasting Love.

Your lack of security implies that you don’t trust the other person’s love for you, or even your own worthiness of their love.

This is what we often call emotional incapacity, not knowing how to love a person, and not knowing how to be loved.

So, you always have a critical eye toward the other person, for example, “Why didn’t you return my call? Do you not love me? Why didn’t you take me to meet your parents? Do you not love me? Why did you forget my birthday? Do you not love me?”

Girl, please trust him, tolerate him, and enjoy the good things he brings to you.

You have so much time to doubt him, but why not improve yourself? Even if he really leaves you one day, it can only mean you’ve lost your appeal, because all your time was spent focusing on him, leaving no time to improve yourself.

And he’s no longer the same person as before; quietly striving, he has the capital to choose a better partner.

So, this transaction isn’t worthwhile, right? Then you may as well believe and tolerate him, and spend more time improving yourself, as this is the capital for maintaining a relationship.

4. Understand that Love is about Giving, Liking is about Taking.

Do you really love him, or do you just like him?

You say—love.

Love is about giving, but all your actions are about taking, and this isn’t love, it’s liking.

Moreover, does the sense of security you achieve through control and “acting” count as real security? It doesn’t. Even if he satisfied your demands at the time, can you ensure he’ll always do so?

I don’t think so. If there really were such a person, they’d probably be driven insane.

Real security must come from the other person willingly doing things for you. This is true love, and only this will last.

What you need to do is learn to respond to his love, and not always be a taker, because the other person will eventually get tired.

5. Your Life Shouldn’t Only Revolve Around Love.

Many women have a common problem. They start off as very smart individuals, but once they fall in love, they become lovesick and follow the principle of love above all else.

Yes! Love is truly wonderful and intoxicating.

But does your world only revolve around love?

If so, then if the person leaves you, won’t you want to live anymore?

Never do this!

Even if you’re in a passionate romance, maintain a rational mind. Love is important, but there are many things more important than love.

Like your career, friendships, family, and more.

As long as you have a multifaceted life, your life won’t stop turning just because one part is temporarily missing. And a person with truly high emotional intelligence never worries about the other person leaving.

Because they constantly cultivate interests and hobbies, expand their social circles, meet interesting people, and do interesting things.

Some so-called emotional experts will tell you to change, and when you become the other person’s best choice, they won’t leave you.

But I hope you understand that you’re not changing to become someone’s best choice, because we’ve never been someone’s accessory. We change because we deserve a fuller life, and then when faced with more and better choices, we have the right to choose the person we’re most willing to follow.

Start now!

Let go of your expectations for him. He has his life, and you have yours.

When you’re charming enough, he might become the person who just can’t leave you.

Go with the flow, live in the moment, and you’ll be happier and more joyful!